I go back and forth, trying to sort through all the emotions. The pain continues and when it comes forward, I feel like my heart is being ripped from me. There was a really lovely moment of health/connectedness last night as I couldn’t put my mind to sleep. I felt I could bundle all the energy from our best moments and send it to you, helping restore things. I hope you felt it too.
I’m still working on the grieving, going between writing the release, which makes me angry, and writing the eulogy, which makes me ache for past. Mostly, I’ve just thrown myself into other people’s stories. That has been the most effective tool at staying whole. However, I think that makes it only a delaying tactic and not a healing one.
Honestly, this is not where I wanted us to be today. Tonight’s the P!nk concert and you won’t be there. We’re still not talking. And the grief is as bad as it’s been in a long time. I’m taking care of myself as best I know how and looking for other ways to do it better.
There’s no easy way to this. Our lives are intertwined now until death because of the girls and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. But it means the hurt must be intentionally healed instead of given time to sort itself. It means I must turn toward the pain and open even when I would rather do otherwise.
I miss the fuck out of you.
All my love.