This releasing thing really hurts. The ache today is worse. And of course, it comes because everything else is so fucking good. Like the effects of a phantom limb after amputation. Is there a trick I can use with a mirror to help fool brain into health?
Then there’s the even harder part… The part where everywhere I go a memory of you (or two or five) is waiting for me. Today it was volleyball courts and comcook class at Sur la Table. Every day, something.
How do I heal because you’re already gone? It’s not about keeping what we had, but rather about building something new. And that means releasing. And I’m just not imaginative right now to see the path through. I’m not feeling trusting enough to let go.
Yesterday, in my yoga nidra class, I touched an ancient pain inside me, almost overwhelmed me. I know it’s part of the not trusting and not being able to let go. I also know that it’s not just about you but that it did affect us. It affects so much of my life and I don’t know how to change that.
I wish you were here today–the weather is so beautiful. I miss the fuck out of you.
All my love.