This month has been tough for me, wanting you back and coming into contact with you. It hasn’t lessened anything. But I keep hurting when it happens. I’m holding on so tight and that’s just pushing you away. So I have to focus on releasing you, us, our family, our past. It’s not coming back. If there’s to be healthy new, I need to get down to healing damaged old.
So it’s good there’s no volleyball today. I’ve asked K to offer that extra P!nk ticket to her friend. Even so, I’ve decided you’ll not be there with me. I’ve looked at the calendar and for the next 2 months (other than volleyball), I have no need to see or speak to you. I’ve set it up so the girls won’t feel abandoned this time. This is my accountability–2 months of focusing on all the other good stuff in my life. Meeting people. Doing things. Grieving.
Today, I’m deeply sad. I hurt more than I’d like to admit and it makes me want to hold on tighter. But this is about long term health. Hurt is also healing, like muscles that haven’t been used much. Given time and attention even the most atrophied muscles will grow strong.
I miss the fuck out of you.
All my love.