The Collateral Crap

My Darling,

Fuck. My emotions are roiling… How wonderful it is to see the girls again, how badly I want time with you, how sick I feel to hear V is your roommate.

Let’s start with the girls, who are a mess over this (and all the other crap in their lives). I’m not sure if they feel abandoned or guilty, but they were both crying hard tonight. I really want to scream at you for not talking to them before, for leaving the damage to fester. For leaving them to guess. Yes, I’m feeling a bit hateful toward myself for not doing better either–I can give myself a small reprieve in that limited-contact step-parent role… I hope I moved them to a healthier place tonight. Fuck you for not taking care of it sooner or better.

And then on to the seeing you, touching you, talking to you. How immediate the want to spend every minute with you is. BTW, nice shirt and you looked good. So I asked, for coffee on Tuesday. So I can ask about the P!nk concert. Because I liked what you brought to my life, even if I don’t want to go back to what we had before.

And then on to V… Which hurts and doesn’t all at the same time. You did it and it doesn’t matter. But fuck I hate her. Apparently that needs more work on letting go… I’m feeling scared that she’ll continue to be a wedge between us–the gold standard you’ll compare everyone (me) against. The cool wifey person that means you never need to work about the messiness of romantic engagements. The safeness too. Ugh, I’m sick to my stomach and I don’t know what to do with that.

I think the best solution is to sleep now.

All my love.

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