I sit here with a running dialog of all my friend’s arguments that you’re a rather awful person (at least in regards to our relationship) and all the things I remember about you. I know this is the philosophical side of me but J kept insisting your actions were rather fixed around your personality and my comeback was that they are situational–he didn’t change my mind, everybody is situational (just ask Germans from the 1930s and 40s).
And this had led me through a rabbit hole that ends with “The Blind Side” which I watched on my long flights between DC and San Fran. Late in the movie, an NCAA representative goes at Michael because he’s chosen to go to Ol’Miss and he’s amazing. I watched in horror as she rips apart all the safety and warmth of his life because (my paraphrasing of her reasoning): people could only possibly this kind for their own personal gain. She took away all the love and caring he’d experienced and turned it into cold hard profit–a poison that takes trust and leaves doubt and ugliness.
The scarcity mindset.
I felt so mad watching it (as the mindset I so often see everywhere these days), because it’s the mindset I face every time I want to give you a bit a kindness and consideration. You must be a bad person, a not nice guy, selfish, and flawed. You must be, no other choice. Because of that I shouldn’t trust you or let you back in. The ironic thing is that you are all those things, but that doesn’t also mean you didn’t do everything you did with my best interests at heart, out of love. You, like Leigh Anne, may have just felt so strongly that you were doing the right thing that it didn’t occur to you to have a conversation about it with me.
So, I’m still a hold-out. Yes, a lot of my friends take this as justification or protection of you and a lessening of me. I don’t believe it. I want to focus on trust and abundance and that’s what I’ll do as I re-introduce the new me to the new you.
All my love.