Lost Again…

My darling,

V was in the car! In the fucking car for a family outing! The only thing you don’t do is fuck her. But she’s certainly replaced me and in a way that makes me feel like you’ll never have room for that for me again. I feel ugly thinking it, saying it to myself. So petty and selfish. And angry and hurt and bitter. No trust. No hope. Not the way I’m focused on being now.

But it’s there. Eating at me. A barrier to what I want. I know that it gives you that Colombian link. That it eases the cost of your living. Gives you uncomplicated companionship. Did you ever think about anyone else when you did it? Me? Your daughters? You just did it by fiat.

It throws me back into questioning the last year of our relationship. When did she float the suggestion. Did you decide a year ago that it would be the better option and felt you couldn’t confide in me? You put up so many walls I don’t know. And I don’t know if the hurt is because you didn’t trust me or because you stopped being there or what might have been different. Because this is big going forward.

So many fucking questions. No goddamn answers.

Well, let’s get on with it. Letting go of expectations.

All my love.

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