I know you’re feeling a bit frustrated right now. It seems like everybody thinks your life journey is about getting Darling A back, not your own personal growth. They’re arguing with you about taking too much blame on yourself and not placing enough with him, about giving him too much credit and yourself not enough. That’s when you want to go “Shut up! Just stop! Y’all don’t get it. Listen to me.” Instead, you silently acknowledge that they’re locked in on your relationship with Darling A. Because he’s why you’re growing right now and an outcome that you’re chasing. So it’s easy to see where everybody is going astray. Instead of getting wound up, let’s talk it out here–find the things that will help friends see that this is about your growth, not him; about you taking responsibility for yourself and not the blame for what went wrong.
First, we both know you’re tired of the heartbreak. You’ve picked some men who obviously weren’t going to be able to love you (yes, you knew they had issues even as you picked them–stay real please). They were all lovely men, successful men, but men with issues and you, being the perceptive woman you are, locked onto them for the confirmation of you own unlovealbleness. Now you’re tired of rebuilding love, wanting something sustainable, and even though it seems to be about Darling A, it’s really about loving you–and you’re amazingly better at it than even a few short months ago.
Next, we both know that you were kinda selfish. You see a lot of Syenite/Essun/Damaya in yourself when you read Nora’s books. All about making things better for your own self without consideration for anybody else. Don’t get me wrong… You’re a nice person and can get by for the most part, but damn girl, you like it your own way. Just looking out for #1. That hasn’t served and you have been working hard to become more intentional about nurturing relationships and valuing others. That’s a good thing.
And then there was the closed-off-ness, the refusing to let people close before they could hurt you. You even shut off Darling A, after having promised yourself things would be different for him (and were for a while). Eventually all the crap just triggers all the other bad habits and patterns and here you are again, trying to figure out why you hate your job and can’t get a new one, why you only have three friends who bother with you and one is your sister, why you’re home alone on nights you’d rather be out having fun, why nothing seems to go your way, why you don’t do the things you love because you feel pulled down by debt. These last few months of openness have given you everything you’ve ever wanted so stay the course.
These last months of growth have been amazing. This last year of pain has been growth and worth every ounce of it. You have blossomed beyond your wildest dreams and yes, it started out as trying to figure out what went wrong with Darling A and how to get him back. Now though you know better, it was about what went wrong with you and how to get you back.
Guess what? You’re doing it. Hold the line and give people time to adjust. Kindness, patience, trust. There’s enough in the world. You have enough. So share.
All my love.