Sabotage

My Darling,

I sit here grappling with how much I didn’t do last week. Things I easily could have done and just let myself skip–salsa twice, Toastmasters, and Dr. Parker’s event. They’re all really important to me, but that means I succeed. I move forward.

It shows how awesome I am, and along with all those justifications I just wrote about, if I’m awesome, why aren’t you here? If I’m not awesome, that’s easier isn’t it? To look at the lack of integrity in what I say is important and what I actually do. If I fail to achieve all that stuff, well then losing you might make more sense. You staying away is easier to understand. I’m proving you right…

But I don’t want you to be right. And even more so, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It leads us back to the same place where you feel justified in your decisions and no need to open yourself to me. And we continue on separately.

And even more so, you aren’t right anymore. Things have changed. The challenge I face is that I want you to see how amazing I am and come back. And that’s the catch. Because if I’m doing it for me, it doesn’t matter if you come back. But it matters to me if you don’t come back.

So how to find peace with continue to want and seek out the things we wanted together but without the consideration of you being there?

All my love.

 

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