Justifications…

My Darling,

Oh, how much I want to call right now. The touch of you in my life is so hard when it’s just a touch. And if this is an open wound, then the solution is to cut off that touch so the wound can heal. But what if instead, it’s muscle soreness and the best way to deal with that is to have a little bit every day and strengthen those muscles?

I know part of this is that I’m desperate to show I’ve gotten better, that I’m cool enough to hang out with you. I want to grab you and shake you and shout at you to give me a chance. But I know how that goes, I did that all last summer. You hated that. You moved away from me each time.

But it comes back to that and this really hard for me to get out. So much of this is to prove I’m enough to you. That if I can’t prove it to you, it doesn’t matter. And neither of us wants a me that is doing everything just for you.

I want to deny it, because I am getting healthy for me. I’m enjoying it every day. How much better life is. But I’d be (have been) lying to say you’re not driving this too. It’s just hard to tease it apart because the things I’m trying to prove to you are things I want in my life anyway. And I think they’ll be better with you.

But the thought of not being able to share with you feels like an anchor around my heart. It slows me when I have energy to move mountains. And closes me when I should be most open. This is another thing I have to move past. That as I get better my life gets fuller and I will have all the activities I want, even without you (and my heart screams with the pain of millennia when I say that).

So how to strengthen that muscle of figuring out how to balance your touch in my life with living a healthy life? That’s the next thing to heal or this will go the same way all over.

I miss the fuck out of you.

All my love.

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