Again it’s after midnight. I never sleep much these days. I realized tonight I’m not scared that I’ll lose you (water under that bridge…). No, instead I’m feeling scared that you’ll never give us another chance, that no matter how long I wait, you’ll never open to us again. The thought of that feels like iron bands constricting my heart.
I have things I tell myself when I think those awful thoughts–to be patient with you, to give you the benefit of the doubt, to not jump to the awful conclusions (you’ve found somebody else to spend your evenings with and not you’re out networking/hanging with your Colombian peeps/burger night/playing volleyball), to not to make it all about it me.
Yes, I’ve done that to you a lot… I remind myself often that it’s my want to see you that frustrates me, makes me impatient, and scares me. If this is to work, I have to understand and respect your wants (which I have to say are a bit fuzzy and difficult to interpret with the whole not talking thing…) but I focus on staying open and listening to those silences.
And most of all I have to trust you and believe in this.
I think sleep has come for me.
All my love.