Old and Deep

My Darling,

I’m not holding it together well today. Getting to the point that I would usually do the stupid pushy thing and try to see you. Would really like to do that even though I know it’s entirely selfish of me and will only make things worse. The pressure is just that immediate. I know. I cried all through my meditation session today–big ugly sobs that wracked the core of me.

When it comes to you, I’m still lost. Just completely lost. To the point I want to sit down and shut out everything because everything hurts right now–my heart, my head, my soul. And I’m worn out from it. I want to be wrapped up in arms (preferably yours) and not be strong anymore.

The meditation instructor sat talking with me for a long time after we finished–about the old and deep scars that I’m tending to and healing. She was very kind and supportive, which I needed, and encouraged me to come back. Then she told me to stay strong, that she could see how strong I am. I suggested that perhaps I shouldn’t any more, that I’ve spent too long being strong.

I don’t know what to do. I really need to figure out how to be okay with that.

I miss the fuck out of you.

All my love.

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