Forgive Me

My darling,

As I’ve been looking back lately, I’ve come to realize I stopped doing things that made you feel good–not sure when, just that it happened gradually–and that was a big part of why you fell for me to start with. I remember that lovely October evening when you told me you were going to stop fighting falling in love with me. My heart still skips a beat. So it makes me so sad that I’ve lost that.

I want to justify and excuse what happened with me. Why I couldn’t do that anymore. Explain that I had gotten sick (mentally sick is still sick), that I had no energy, that… But it doesn’t change that you stopped feeling good around me and it was because of all those things I want to use in my defense. So I understand why you stopped wanting to be around me. It takes superhuman strength to stay with a nasty energy suck.

Forgive me for getting sick, for slipping away from my truly awesome self. That must have been hard to watch. I’m working to forgive myself for it as well. I’m not perfect (never will be) and I was already sick when I met you. Js says that the memories associated with those negative feelings might be too hard to overcome. I understand that (hard as I’d like it to not be). I think of you as a wonderfully open person and now that I’ve become healthier and stronger, I hope you can also see that I’m now somebody you can feel amazing around.

Missing you.

All my love.

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