Time

My darling,

Sometime being good at making things happen bites back–makes it too easy to set up expectations that things should be further along. This is one of my struggles and it’s hard to check my expectations when the problem doesn’t involve me alone. Right now, I’m somewhat pissed at myself because I haven’t found that new job or won you back yet I just had the most amazing day snowboarding on Sunday.

What’s the difference there? I’ve been working on all three goals for the same amount of time. In fact, I’ve been working on the new job thing for months longer. The difference is that the snowboarding experience only involved me–my body, my mind, my diet. Nobody else. There was the extra blessing of new snow and sunshine; yet, the day of snowboarding would have been mostly the same without them.

I’ve been annoyed with myself for having semi-shelved other goals for the year and I have to temper those thoughts–I’ve been doing profound foundation work for the past 2 and 1/2 months. It’s been intense and exhausting while Life continued around me–friends got sick, family passed away, plans got rearranged and cancelled. And I made progress. Progress I can see. I’m not the same person. Old patterns persist though and my heart aches for the things I want and don’t yet have.

And when I starting getting emotionally overwhelmed by not being where I want, I remind myself of other long term challenges I’ve faced: the Kenzai workout program where I felt my arms would fall off for 2 months straight. Mastering snowboarding over 12 weeks as my abs healed from the car crash damage and I couldn’t always move for days after coming off the mountain. Thinking of the physical pain of those challenges and remembering that one day it just stopped–that you miss the transition between “this sucks” and “I’m in shape now!”

So, I just have to keep doing my daily routine and focus on what I want out of all this. Tell myself it will get easier with time.

All my love.

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