Of Fresh Grief and Spectres Past

My Darling,

Yesterday was challenging. Lots of tears out of nowhere… Part of it is the being alone–going to support my family (and be supported) but no family of my own to lean on. And having had one so recently that the wound still bleeds.

It was so easy to call Tuesday morning. I longed for the strength of my partner and you were there–exactly as you’ve always been, so reliable and kind in your responses. It was so hard not to ask for more, for you to come and hold me, take care of me. Now I grapple with that kindness and the confusion it brings me–was it just kindness or is it possible that you still want to be that for me? Is that what you would give anybody or was it special just for me? Do I let my hope grow or throttle it back with logic and rationality?

Being able to go, to finally be there for my family is the culmination of my focus for the last 5 years. This is why I quit, why I changed careers. And yet, it takes me back to a dark location that has haunted my life, to patterns of anger, disappointment, and doubt. The sticky fingers of my past grasping at my subconscious, pulling me back into old ways of being.

I don’t really want to go, to be relied on for things I don’t want (never wanted) to be. To fit myself into the old narrative because not doing so might be ill-timed or inconvenient. This is a fight in my soul, to find a way to express the growth and change while still supporting my family. To be true to who I really am, and not a reflection of others’ memories.

It’s sad for me to go in alone, without you. I wonder if I should ask for more, and then I think about want this to work long term–reaching for that in grief reinforces your thoughts of me being needy. I heard that in your questions yesterday. You were all about making sure I didn’t meltdown.

So I’m going alone. Focusing on the future I want, not the immediate nice-to-have’s.

I miss you.

All my love.

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