I’ve heard that so many times–that I’m okay as I am. I’ve always hated it, because I see the disconnect, I see I’m the common denominator in all my broken and unhealthy relationships. How can it not be me?
I wondered onto some exes pages today. Just because (yes, I’m a little run down and going for the easy distractions). And realized most of them have moved on and are married now. Even the ones who talked about never getting married again. I’m happy for them. It’s good they’ve found that for themselves. However, they each loved me once and then stopped… If it wasn’t me, then what was it?
Each was a long time ago and so much has changed. But right now I’m angry at everyone who has ever told me it’s not me and that I was fine as I was. I wasn’t.
I would have rather had my friends tell me I get childish or closed off, that I behave badly when I do. And then I look back and realize there were very few friends to talk to me and that was probably due to the same issues that have kept me out of healthy romantic relationships…
Which makes me even madder at the professionals I sought help from. I didn’t sit on counselors’ couches over and over again because I thought I was fine and that it was the guy’s fault we didn’t work out. I would have rather had been asked hard questions and have ugly thoughts pointed out to me. But too many focused on only preventing me from blaming myself and rooting through my past to figure out find other things to take blame.
I know it was me because so much is different now. The only change: me. How? I can’t say. It just is–the world is opening to me in ways it never has before. I’m trusting that now. I don’t need certainty anymore. I am certainty. I don’t need love anymore. I am love.
Descartes got the second half right, and it’s what’s persisting through all of this: I am. And that’s enough.