What the Cancer Meant

My Darling,

The other moment I really have to let go of is that night in the car. I still don’t understand why you did that and it hurts to high hell. Why, oh fucking why, did you have to go on like that? When we started the ride, I was at peace with whatever was going to happen and I knew we would make it through whatever it took. By the end… Well, it wasn’t til just recently that I was finally able to fully recover myself. You should have just stopped when I asked you to.

Let’s talk for a moment about what you dying of cancer meant to me. It’s not the same as loosing your father to cancer. Parents are supposed to go before their children, especially once the children are full grown and have children of their own. It’s painful, but not tragic.  The loss of a life partner is different–not just the loss of that person’s life but a whole life together gone, all the dreams and hopes and aspirations that were linked ceasing to exist. It is the loss of identity for the partner who remains, an incomplete existence.

So whatever you trying to prepare me for, you didn’t have a clue. I had decided that no matter what life threw at us, we had each other and that would be enough. Then you badgered me with how awful it was going to be, how bad things were going to get. I don’t even remember what you said anymore, just that I didn’t want to hear. Didn’t need to hear it. Begged you to shut up…

Even more frustrating is that everything was fine. That the conversation in the car was pointless given how easy your chemo process was, how few side effects you had, how little it disrupted our lives. You put me through all of that shit for nada! You hurried it and hurt me badly and then held it against me that I turned into a fucking needy mess.

I really just want to scream at you that you started it, that it was your fault I had to go through all that shit. I was excited about our life together before that conversation and in fear of it after and it’s all your fucking fault.

So there, it’s out. I’ve said it. Do with it what you will. That part of my life is over and I had to go through all that pain anyway with you still living and possible. That’s worse. I understand it was your attempt to prepare me and be kind. I wish you had also heard me in my needs.

All my love.

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