This whole process is really rather simple. Breathe in, breathe out. Take one step, then another. Keep doing the things that keep me alive each day, move me forward. Eat, drink, bathe, commune with friends and family. Rely on habit–there’s very little I actually have to do to get through life. Just shut my mind off.
It’s those habitual moments thought that get me. The reaching for but then not picking up the phone, the sound of the text message but not from you, the moment of celebration but not with you, the story to tell but not to you. Those are like sudden pressure on a swollen bruise. It catches me before I’m even aware of it, before I can stop myself.
Not easy. Not easy to keep my mind clear of you and the past. Not easy to keep my mind clear of you and the not-future. Not easy to want the new and the different. I have to shut off my mind, and that has challenged me.
For now, I must find patience and do the simple things so that sooner, rather than later, I will be whole and healthy again.
All my love.