Baby Steps

My darling,

Today almost undid me. I felt the past sucking me backwards, calling me with its seductive siren’s call. The old me, the angry me wants back out and she would have been happy to sit at home all day alone, feeling like shit. She almost won… The cold and the doubt were a double threat that makes it easy to do nothing. Then there was a Facebook post of St & D in Cuba for the New Year–something I would have loved for us to do–which meant the Samsung got flung into the couch (I keep forgetting Facebook is such a trigger). That was just as I was getting ready to go out and it was hard not to close.

The good news is that I’m getting stronger. I may have had to sleep on the living room floor last night to sleep at all, but I got up today to fresh snow and took care of the storage boxes–my sanctuary is calming again. I resisted the siren’s call all day, having another of my ungodly productive days (this one compressed into half a day!). Then I headed to the Zoo for a Meet Up with a new community.

Yes, I went out alone and met new people. Always hard. I almost always notice the couples and families when I do this and my heart aches with longing for what was and what might have been and yet won’t be. I have to focus on the present and not let the little tendrils of past and future tear me away. I have to remember that all I have is right now and that is all I have to build tomorrow with.

So I went out, and met new people. I made plans to meet up again and joined an impromptu dinner. I just went with flow–one more baby step in moving forward, of figuring out how to build the life I really want, healthfully. Tomorrow there will be another baby step, and another the day after, and so on each of the following days, so that I fully become myself.

I miss the  fuck out of you.

All my love.

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